


Autocorrect Can't Save You Now

by linatrinch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drunk Texting, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 02:05:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5479268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linatrinch/pseuds/linatrinch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Balthazar is clumsy and keeps texting the wrong number.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Autocorrect Can't Save You Now

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm pretty sick. Some sort of cold/flu sort of thing, idk. My point is, I'm so worn out and easily confused, that I decided to put off Eta Carinae Nebula for yet another weekend. And next weekend is Christmas. But, man, do I have some great stuff planned for when it comes back again.
> 
> Anyway, seeing as how I'm sick but also Balcifer trash, I decided to write this little ficlet sort of thing. Basically, TFLN. This is going to have really shitty writing, because it's just texts going back and forth. I still hope you enjoy it.
> 
> I may do one for Sabriel or Midam later, too. Also, the id they ping under is what they're listed in each other's phones.

**1-555-555-7652: 10:58 p.m.**  
_Multimedia Message_ (*A picture pings on to Lucifer's phone, but all he can see is some man's devilish smirk, a wide chest, a long trail of abs, and a very suggestive peak at the man's bare hips.*)  
I do hope you haven't missed me too much, darling ;)

 **1-555-555-4344: 11:02 p.m.**  
_Multimedia Message_ (*Now a photo pings back to Balthazar of a gorgeous man he had never seen before that is sadly fully clothed with an adorably confused face.*)  
Nice abs

 **1-555-555-7652: 11:15 p.m.**  
Is this cassie's phone?

 **1-555-555-4344: 11:15 p.m.**  
Afraid I don't know any cassies

 **1-555-555-7652: 11:15 p.m.**  
Castiel?

 **1-555-555-4344: 11:16 p.m.**  
I'd remember a name like that. Sorry, man. You got a bad number

 **1-555-555-7652: 11:16 p.m.**  
Are you fucking with me?

 **1-555-555-4344: 11:16 p.m.**  
I'm serious. I dont know a castiel. Sorry

 **1-555-555-7652: 11:28 p.m.**  
I am so sorry! I did dial the wrong number! Sorry sorry sorry

 **1-555-555-4344: 11:30 p.m.**  
It's cool. I promise not to sell the picture.

 **1-555-555-7652: 11:32 p.m.**  
That's not a creepy thing to say at all.

* * *

_Nearly two weeks later_

**1-555-555-7652: 8:26 a.m.**  
I know I need to do the damn laundry, I know, I know, but seriously where did you throw my boxers last night? I was too drunk. I can't remember shit.  
**8:28 a.m.**  
Cas, I'm serious. I need to go to work.  
**8:31 a.m.**  
CAS WHERE ARE YOU  
**8:34 a.m.**  
CASTIEL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IM ABOUT TO GO TO WORK COMMANDO IF YOU DONT RESPOND  
**8:35 a.m.**  
I bet you'd like that you bastard

 **1-555-555-4344: 8:35 a.m.**  
Ok before this gets out of hand I feel like I should tell you that you tried the wrong number again

 **1-555-555-7652: 8:35 a.m.**  
What

 **1-555-555-4344: 8:35 a.m.**  
You're the abs guy, right?  
Why dont you just save the number on your phone?

 **1-555-555-7652: 8:35 a.m.**  
OH SHIT  
FUCK  
IM SORRY  
**8:38 a.m.**  
I had to get a new phone again. Sorry. I'm sorry.

 **Not Cassie: 8:39 a.m.**  
It's okay. Hope you find your clothes.

 **Nice Abs Guy: 8:42 a.m.**  
I found them thx

* * *

_Another two weeks later_

**Nice Abs Guy: 1:08 p.m.**  
I miss you, darling. I'm just sitting here, thinking about all of the delicious things I could do to you. I'd suck a bruise into those bony hips of yours if I could. ;) you know I like them almost as much as hearing you moan my name and trying to bite your lip so the neighbors won't hear again. I could get hard just thinking about it mmm I miss the way you taste already

 **1-555-555-4344: 1:09 p.m.**  
_Multimedia message_ (*Shockingly enough, it's another picture of that mysterious, gorgeous man with a tight lipped smile.*)  
Still me  
What happened to that new phone?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:09 p.m.**  
FUCK  
I AM SO DAMN SORRY  
I AM TRULY TRULY SORRY  
**1:10 p.m.**  
I lost it at the zoo a couple of days ago  
BUT I AM REALLY REALLY SORRY

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:11 p.m.**  
It's cool, man  
A little weird, but ive gotten worse texts

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:11 p.m.**  
I am really really sorry

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:12 p.m.**  
You two do seem to have an alarming amount of sex, though

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:12 p.m.**  
It's really not all that much actually. You just seem to get the absolute worst texts I could possibly send to a stranger

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:12 p.m.**  
Not too surprising, honestly, considering your luck

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:12 p.m.**  
My luck?

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:12 p.m.**  
Well I know for a fact that this is your third phone in a month

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:13 p.m.**  
It's not really so much luck as it is awkward clumsiness

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:13 p.m.**  
Maybe write this Cassie's number down somewhere then?  
And some weird routine where you stop losing your phone

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:13 p.m.**  
If I'm not losing it, I'm breaking the damn thing  
or drowning it  
or setting it on fire  
and this one time a lorry ran over it

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:13 p.m.**  
A lorry?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:14 p.m.**  
A big truck in American speak

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:14 p.m.**  
How the hell did you manage all that?  
And you're not American? I thought this was a local number

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:14 p.m.**  
It is local. I moved here some odd years ago.  
Everyone asks how I do it. What can I say, I have a talent.

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:14 p.m.**  
Considering the texts I've gotten lately, I'm not too shocked about that talent of yours

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:14 p.m.**  
I didn't think you would be  
I'll get a better case for this one at least

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:14 p.m.**  
Good idea  
I gotta get back to work

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:14 p.m.**  
Right, I should be annoying my boyfriend right now, not you

 **NOT CASTIEL: 1:15 p.m.**  
I'm happy to know you paused the sexting while talking to me at least

 **Nice Abs Guy: 1:15 p.m.**  
Too much of a chance to misfire  
Again

* * *

_Three weeks later_

**Nice Abs Guy: 5:43 p.m.**  
Okay, I just got my new phone. Please tell me this is Castiel.

 **1-555-555-4344: 5:46 p.m.**  
What happened this time?  
You didn't write down the number did you?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 5:47 p.m.**  
I did write the number down. I lost it. Shocking.  
And there may or may not be an iPhone 5 somewhere at the bottom of the Colorado River.  
I believe you should just be proud I was checking to make sure this time.

 **Not Castiel: 5:47 p.m.**  
No No I am proud  
Should I ask how it got to the bottom of the Colorado River?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 5:47 p.m.**  
There may have been a slight accident

 **Not Castiel: 5:48 p.m.**  
Accident?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 5:48 p.m.**  
No one was harmed  
except George  
he's dead  
I miss him

 **Not Castiel: 5:48 p.m.**  
Wait What  
Oh my God

 **Nice Abs Guy: 5:48 p.m.**  
NO NO George was a cactus!

 **Not Castiel: 5:48 p.m.**  
I am so sorry  
what  
Youre a jackass

 **Nice Abs Guy: 5:48 p.m.**  
No people were harmed!  
But yeah no I think George and my iPhone are becoming very good buddies right now

 **Not Castiel: 5:49 p.m.**  
That's one hell of an accident  
What else is in that river?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 5:49 p.m.**  
My driver's license, passport, credit cards, about $300 in cash, a picture of my nieces, and a $50 Outback giftcard

 **Not Castiel: 5:49 p.m.**  
Your wallet

 **Nice Abs Guy: 5:49 p.m.**  
My wallet, yes

 **Not Castiel: 5:49 p.m.**  
I'm not even sure I want to know how all that happened

 **Nice Abs Guy: 5:50 p.m.**  
After the local fire department dried me off, there isnt that much to tell

 **Not Castiel: 5:50 p.m.**  
No, obviously not

* * *

_Three days later_

**Nice Abs Guy: 3:46 p.m.**  
_Multimedia Message_ (*Lu's a bit thrown off when this picture is just a small cactus sitting on a window sill in a white terracotta pot.*)

 **Not Castiel: 3:46 p.m.**  
Wrong number again

 **Nice Abs Guy: 3:46 p.m.**  
No, I was actually texting you this time  
Meet Eddie

 **Not Castiel: 3:47 p.m.**  
Oh  
Hi, Eddie  
I hope he doesn't end up like George

 **Nice Abs Guy: 3:47 p.m.**  
Yeah, same.

* * *

_Another three weeks later_

**Nice Abs Guy: 6:14 p.m.**  
I know its late, but we really do need to talk. Whatever is or isn't going on, I'm okay with it. We just need to talk it out. Please call me, darling?

 **1-555-555-4344: 6:28 p.m.**  
Is this about me or Cassie?  
Cause this is really profound and sudden

 **Nice Abs Guy: 6:29 p.m.**  
Oh dammit sorry  
no wonder he hasn't called

 **NotCas: 6:29 p.m.**  
Everything okay over there in paradise?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 6:29 p.m.**  
Er. Yes and no.  
**6:31 p.m.**  
I'm of the belief that my boyfriend has fallen for someone else.

 **NotCas: 6:31 p.m.**  
How is that in any way an okay thing?  
Fuck, I'm sorry

 **Nice Abs Guy: 6:31 p.m.**  
No, it really is okay. I know he's not cheating or something like that. The bastard's too innocent and noble. Besides we're together but it hasn't really stuck, you know? No one's talking wedding bells over here.

 **NotCas: 6:31 p.m.**  
I guess that's okay. But it still sucks. I'm sorry.

 **Nice Abs Guy: 6:31 p.m.**  
Thanks. Me too.

 **NotCas: 7:18 p.m.**  
By the way, what happened to your last phone?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 7:49 p.m.**  
Neighbor's dog ate it

 **NotCas: 7:50 p.m.**  
Of course

* * *

_Five days later_

**Nice Abs Guy: 11:53 p.m.**  
I love you

 **NotCas: 11:54 p.m.**  
I really hope you got the wrong number again  
**11:56 p.m.**  
Hello?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 11:56 p.m.**  
Cassie?

 **NotCas: 11:56 p.m.**  
No, it's that other guy

 **Nice Abs Guy: 11:56 p.m.**  
O  
Thats okay  
I loveyou, too

 **NotCas: 11:56 p.m.**  
Are you all right?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 11:56 p.m.**  
Yes

 **NotCas: 11:57 p.m.**  
Dare I ask where you are?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 11:57 p.m.**  
Yes

 **NotCas: 11:57 p.m.**  
Where are you?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 11:57 p.m.**  
Yes  
lol

 **NotCas: 11:57 p.m.**  
What  
Have you been drinking?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 11:57 p.m.**  
Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssslkjj/;  
sorry  
I'm home  
I think Im a happy drunk  
you have very pretty eyes

 **NotCas: 11:58 p.m.**  
Thanks?  
Even your autocorrect is drunk

 **Nice Abs Guy: 11:58 p.m.**  
HAHA YOUR SO FUNNY  
I love you so much

 **NotCas: 11:58 p.m.**  
Okay, abs guy, pull it back

 **Nice Abs Guy: 11:58 p.m.**  
Cas broke up with me

 **NotCas: 11:58 p.m.**  
Oh  
**11:59 p.m.**  
Sorry, man

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:01 a.m.**  
Im okay

 **NotCas: 12:01 a.m.**  
Well its after midnight and you're drunk alone at your place  
Doesn't sound too okay

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:02 a.m.**  
Who said I'm alone?

 **NotCas: 12:02 a.m.**  
You're texting your undying love to me  
I guessed  
I thought you said that you two breaking up would be all right?  
Did it go bad?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:02 a.m.**  
We talked, hugged. That was that.  
I dont really love him like that  
I miss him  
I miss it  
Where are you?

 **NotCas: 12:02 a.m.**  
Miss what? The sex?  
I'm at home too

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:02 a.m.**  
no. the relationship  
Cuddling and being needed and all hat  
**12:03 a.m.**  
For a grown man I suppose thats strange things to crave  
I like being a romantic though

 **NotCas: 12:03 a.m.**  
It's not strange

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:03 a.m.**  
I miss it

 **NotCas: 12:03 a.m.**  
But you cant try to force yourself to hold on to something that you knew wasnt going to last anyway  
You'll feel better about it when youre sober  
And you shouldn't drink that much when you feel like that  
**12:04 a.m.**  
Shit. Sorry. I'm lecturing a total stranger. I'm sorry.

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:04 a.m.**  
No, you're right  
I know he'll be happier with Dean. And I'll be happier in the long run, too.  
It just sucks.  
Where are you?

 **NotCas: 12:04 a.m.**  
Yeah, it sucks, but I'm glad you're feeling better about it.  
Im still at home  
Don't

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:04 a.m.**  
Where's home for yu?

 **NotCas: 12:04 a.m.**  
I said don't

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:04 a.m.**  
I want to see you

 **NotCas: 12:04 a.m.**  
You just went through a break up, it's after midnight, and you're drunk off your ass. It's really not a good idea.

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:04 a.m.**  
I just want to see you  
I really do love you

 **NotCas: 12:04 a.m.**  
Listen, Mr. Romantic. You need to drink some water and go to bed.  
I'm not even going to apologize for lecturing this time

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:11 a.m.**  
Balthazar

 **NotCas: 12:12 a.m.**  
?

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:12 a.m.**  
My name's Balthazar  
**12:15 a.m.**  
It's a weird fucking thing. I know.

 **NotCas: 12:15 a.m.**  
I like it

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:15 a.m.**  
Seriously

 **NotCas: 12:15 a.m.**  
Yeah, seriously  
Its different but not in a bad way. I like it  
My friend's call me Lu. It's short for my really fucked up name

 **Nice Abs Guy: 12:15 a.m.**  
More fucked up than mine?  
Thx for liking it

 **NotCas: 12:15 a.m.**  
It's Lucifer

 **Balthazar: 12:15 a.m.**  
Do what

 **NotCas: 12:15 a.m.**  
My twin brother's name is Michael  
I can text you a pic of my license if it'll make you feel better

 **Balthazar: 12:17 a.m.**  
I can't stop giggling omg I cantbreath

 **♥Satan♥: 12:17 a.m.**  
Always happy to brighten someone's day  
Please dont make yourself sick  
Go to bed

 **Balthazar: 12:17 a.m.**  
I'm going to bed

 **♥Satan♥: 12:17 a.m.**  
Did you drink some water

 **Balthazar: 12:17 a.m.**  
Yes, mum  
**12:19 a.m.**  
Good night

 **♥Satan♥: 12:19 a.m.**  
G'night

 **Balthazar: 12:19 a.m.**  
Love you

 **♥Satan♥: 12:19 a.m.**  
Don't push it

 **Balthazar: 12:19 a.m.**  
♥

* * *

_The next day_

**Balthazar: 9:18 a.m.**  
Who is this?

 **♥Satan♥: 9:19 a.m.**  
That guy you keep misdialing  
you know, the one you drunk texted last night

 **Balthazar: 9:19 a.m.**  
Oh God did I really  
**9:21 a.m.**  
Oh God I'm so sorry

 **♥Satan♥: 9:21 a.m.**  
It's okay  
It happens  
How you doing, champ?

 **Balthazar: 9:21 a.m.**  
Other than the hangover, swimmingly  
Dare I ask why your listed in my contacts as Satan?

 **♥Satan♥: 9:23 a.m.**  
I'm in your contacts?

 **Balthazar: 9:24 a.m.**  
To keep me from misdialing, yes

 **♥Satan♥: 9:24 a.m.**  
I told you that my name is Lucifer and apparently you couldn't stop giggling about it

 **Balthazar: 9:24 a.m.**  
Oh come on now  
is that seriously your name?

 **♥Satan♥: 9:26 a.m.**  
_Multimedia Message_ (*Balthazar is sent a picture of what looks like a Driver's License, though all he can make out is a picture of that gorgeous man, a birthday, and the name Lucifer Pellegrino.*)

 **Balthazar: 9:26 a.m.**  
Well shit  
I apologize

 **♥Satan♥: 9:27 a.m.**  
Lmao It's okay. I have to show everyone.  
Friends call me Lu to avoid bad situations

 **Balthazar: 9:27 a.m.**  
Good idea  
Er not that your name is bad because it's not  
Its unique  
Different  
Save me please

 **♥Satan♥: 9:27 a.m.**  
Lol it's okay, really  
**9:42 a.m.**  
So how are you doing with the whole breakup thing?  
You don't have to tell me though  
You were just pretty sloshed last night

 **Balthazar: 9:43 a.m.**  
I'm okay. Every breakup sucks, you know?

 **♥Satan♥: 9:43 a.m.**  
Yeah

 **Balthazar: 9:43 a.m.**  
And I'm sorry for last night, too. Thanks for not being a dick. I don't know what I was thinking

 **♥Satan♥: 9:43 a.m.**  
We're okay  
Like you said, you're a romantic

 **Balthazar: 9:43 a.m.**  
Too true

 **♥Satan♥: 9:44 a.m.**  
With you and Cassie not an item anymore, though, I guess I won't get anymore misfires from you

 **Balthazar: 9:46 a.m.**  
I didn't think about that  
I suppose you're right

 **♥Satan♥: 9:51 a.m.**  
Want to get lunch sometime?

 **Balthazar: 9:51 a.m.**  
I'm free at noon

 **♥Satan♥: 9:51 a.m.**  
You know Rosie's downtown?

 **Balthazar: 9:51 a.m.**  
I love that place! Meet you there?

 **♥Satan♥: 9:51 a.m.**  
You'll have to flag me down. I have no idea what your face looks like  
Unless you take off your shirt. Then I could probably spot you

 **Balthazar: 9:51 a.m.**  
I thought you said you were going to delete that picture

 **♥Satan♥: 9:52 a.m.**  
I said I wouldn't sell it.

 **Balthazar: 9:52 a.m.**  
Fair enough. I'll find you.  
**10:11 a.m.**  
Wait is this a date?  
I don't want you to think I'm rebounding because I'm not  
**10:13 a.m.**  
I'm over thinking this

 **♥Satan♥: 10:14 a.m.**  
I know you're not rebounding  
But you are over thinking it  
We'll figure it out later  
I just have to meet the guy that's been randomly texting me

 **Balthazar: 10:14 a.m.**  
I think I'd like that

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this wasn't too confusing. Thanks for reading!


End file.
